Amber

2009: We had just spent one hell of a summer together. Attached at the hip, we paraded through El Paso destroying everything in our paths. The pool, Michael Jackson and 12-packs of Bud Light made up our days. Two-stepping and hitting the hole-in-the-wall bars consumed our nights. There was NEVER a dull moment. Her husband was overseas at the time, and my boyfriend had just headed back to the Naval Academy. Though we could have made it on our own, the separation from our soldiers was bearable because we had each other. And perhaps one of the best things about that summer, was the fact that we had our (her) little sister, Kaity, with us for a few weeks. The girl time we shared is something that will always stay with me. That was, by far, the best summer of my life. (Watch our turkey fight here. Kaity threw a piece of turkey that stuck on Amber’s face… She thought I was taking a picture, but I was videotaping. We were all laughing so hard none of us could breathe. Hysterical.)

The last time I saw her, she was dropping me off at my mom’s house, the night before I had to go back to San Marcos, Tx for my senior year of college. One of my best friends since we were in middle school, Amber jumped out of her car and walked around to the passenger side, where I slowly stood up. Unsure of what came over me, I frantically began to cry.

I had no idea what came over me; I’d been leaving my friends and family for years to go back to college; I was basically a pro.

Apparently that night, something else was breaking my heart.

She hugged me and kept saying it would be okay, that she was coming in town for the UTEP vs. UT football game within a few weeks. I kept telling her I didn’t want to leave her. Something didn’t feel… Right.

I’ll never forget how sweet she can be, amidst the inevitable fact that she is the toughest girl I have ever met. I still hear her saying, “It’s okay, Brittface. I’ll be there soon.”

A few weeks later, Amber and I were on the phone checking out plane tickets for the weekend of the big game. I texted her later that night, way later. It was 2 am. Amber Vandrey would not be asleep on a Saturday night. But, she didn’t respond.

The next morning came the phonecall. It’s still a blur. The following 3 months is still a blur. And to this day, I don’t understand. I had just talked to her. I was supposed to see her in a matter of weeks. And suddenly, in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

It’s been 2 years since the most effervescent girl I’ve ever known ascended to Heaven. It’s been 2 years that I’ve dreamt of her, and cried in my boyfriends arms because it will never register that all of this is real. It’s been 2 years that I’ve admired the strength of her mother, who sends me pictures weekly of sweet, little Kaity. I am proud to always be her surrogate big sister, and will watch over her until the end of time.

But if I know Amber, and I think I do… She would be punching me in the arm for being such a wuss. As a testament to her attitude, please see the below photo of Amber arguing about sports. You should’ve seen the other guy. Can we say “terrified?”

 So today, as her lovely mother, Kim, has so beautifully worded, is Amber’s 2nd Angelversary. She is watching over us, and we’ll all meet her again, someday.  And let’s face it, we’re all really lucky to have this girl on our side in Heaven. If for some reason they don’t want to let any of us in, Amber will arm wrestle St. Peter… 

I’d rather celebrate her life, and the infinite laughs she gave me since we were in middle school. I’d rather think of her and smile, not cry, because I know she doesn’t want any of us to be sad. I’d rather remember the days when Amber, Jacque, Angie and myself would take off in the JAAB mobile, thinking we were the coolest kids in school because we had Amber’s mom’s soccer mom van. I’d rather reminisce of when we’d raid her mom’s closet and steal all of her cute clothes… I’d rather  look at burnt orange and think of Amber’s bathroom… because it looked like a UT Longhorn gift shop threw up in there. I’d rather go to Whataburger and giggle about the time we ran behind the cashier counter and stole an entire box of their ketchup. I’d rather remember the time that Amber fell asleep talking to her hubby.

Rest in peace, beautiful, beautiful Amber. We miss you.

 

Congratulations, my friend.

A chapter written, a chapter closed.
Your next adventure will be your next prose.
Write your days, remember your nights,
Choose your path, and face your fights.
Believe in your heart, and get ready my friend,
Though this chapter ends, the real one begins.

You’re a goofy witt, with a brilliant take. 
A lovely smile at the sight of snowflakes.
Our days were grand, wild at the least, 
Karaoke and hot sauce, Jersey Shore every week.

Roomies, coworkers, classmates we were, 
When it comes to forever, we’ll never deter. 
Thanks for the laughs, and late night runs.
Poor Texas State, we were the craziest sons of a gun.  

Cody Herring, I am so proud of you, and hope I made your college experience memorable, as you did mine. Take over the world, and keep me in your back pocket while you do. Congratulations on your graduation from Texas State University, c/o 2011 !

Every Stop Light I Didn’t Make

Do me this favor, and listen to this song as you read. Click the link and play the first song of the list.

\”This\” Darius Rucker

“Every stop light I didn’t make. Every chance that I did or I didn’t take. All the nights I went too far. All the guys that broke my heart…”

Driving home from the theater, we were laughing and listening to each other’s expert opinions on the flick. Then this song came on. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes; I felt my heart take a giant leap… And I caught my breath.

“How different would our lives be if you didn’t say ‘hello’ to me that night?” I asked him.

His face dropped and he looked straight ahead as he said solemnly, “Completely different. Completely.”

For the first time in my life, I realized how life-changing every (seemingly) small detail in your life can be.

After getting past the initial sucker-punch feeling I get in my tummy when I think about not being with him… A smile danced across my face.

For the first time I didn’t regret a lot of the things I’ve done in my life. I didn’t question them. Every first date I decided not to call again, the three times I made the decision switch colleges. The decision I made to go to that hometown bar that summer night I was in El Paso almost two years ago. Because down to the minute, every decision I had made for the previous 22 years took me to the floor of that bar, that night.

Then he said “hello” to me, and I knew I loved him from the instant I heard his voice, before I even turned to see who he was. What are the odds? Not likely, but likely enough.

He told me the next night that he almost didn’t go to the bar the previous evening. My heart fell at the thought, and we had known one another a mere 22 hours.

And here, almost two years later… I’ve moved across the country, left my friends and family and my cowgirl boots in Texas. If you ask anybody who has ever known me, the last place we all thought I’d end up after my college graduation was Pasadena, Maryland.

Normally, finding myself in 30 degree weather anywhere outside of Texas would not go over well with me. But for some reason, I put everything I had: all my money, my social life… my heart… into being with this man.

And when I think about the possibility that he could not have said hello to me that summer night two years before, I fall apart.

As he put it, “Nothing, nothing would be the same.”

He’d be an Officer in the Navy here in Maryland and I’d be working at some PR firm in Austin. He’d be going to bed alone every night and I’d be dancing to country music every Thursday night at Nephews, and singing Karaoke at Oil Can Harry’s on Fridays with Cody. We’d never wonder what we could have had together, because we wouldn’t know each other. The thought to me is unimaginable.

What an adventure life truly is. One small decision can change the path you dance on for the rest of your life. Not only can one small decision change it, it can send you on a completely different path.

Where would you be if you didn’t make some of the decisions in your life?

All I know right now is, I’m sitting at my kitchen table, drinking a glass of cabernet. Half writing and half dancing as I’m listening to “This” on repeat. But the most important detail right now? – I’m looking at him. This kitchen table is ours. This apartment is ours. These pajamas I am wearing are his.

We found each other in this unbelievable world of chance. Were we supposed to? I’d like to believe so. But we did, all because he mustered up the courage to reach out to me at that bar 2 summers ago. What if he didn’t? Where would I be?

I no longer care. For the first time I am happy with every decision I have ever made. Because it led me here to this.

Let’s dance, my friends. Life is unpredictable.

Don’t miss that chance to see your friends, to say “I love you” one more time to someone who matters to you. Or to say “I love you” when you WANT to say it, even if it’s only been two weeks. Don’t miss the chance to dance when your favorite song comes on, or to spend those 5 extra minutes with your beautiful little cousin who thinks you are the coolest person in the world. Do what makes your heart dance, your eyes light up. Because it is then, my friends, that you are truly living. And you aren’t missing out  on anything.

Photo courtesy of Andrew Holt